The Upper Hand: Awarded for juggling three bags of groceries, a large purse, a cell phone and mail while successfully unlocking the front door without dropping anything. Bonus points if the grocery bag contains eggs or you are also holding a baby.
The Slim Chance: Awarded to any woman who can wear a size eight after age 40.
The This Too Shall Pass: For handing the communion tray to the person sitting next to you without bitterness that you’re not allowed to stand at the end of the row and receive it.
The Sick and Tired: For keeping one’s mouth shut when, after you’ve spent years of your life pregnant and endured the subsequent excruciating deliveries, your husband a) whimpers like a toddler from a splinter; b) takes to his bed for three days during his annual cold and demands 24-hour bedside service; c) refuses to consider a vasectomy because of his fear of medical procedures.
The Don’t Cramp My Style: For attending two business meetings, accomplishing four things off the to-do list, swinging by the grocery store, and attending a ballet recital/T-ball game/soccer practice while wearing heels instead of curling up under the covers with cramps like you want to.
The Clothes Call: One badge awarded for each shopping trip with a daughter age 8-18 in which you successfully prevent purchases of halter tops, low-rise pants, short-shorts, and anything designed to show one’s navel. Award is not invalidated by daughter’s tears or public outbursts proclaiming her hatred of you.
The Grace Note: For smiling and nodding when, after the meeting you helped lead, one of the male participants asks you to makes copies of his notes.
The Big Event: Automatically awarded upon completion of your 20th ladies banquet, tea, or retreat involving hats, finger sandwiches, scrapbooking, and/or “spa” manicures.
The Shear Magic: For blow-drying your hair into a style remotely resembling anything you left the salon with after your last cut.
The Wonder Woman: For somehow summoning the superhuman strength not to say, “No, PMS isn’t the problem. You’re just especially annoying today.”